It's about time I get back here

Again I have no idea what to say. R and the felon have been causing all sorts of drama recently, but I would rather just pretend they both died in their sleep last night than deal with it. He has spent so much time wanting to be my friend, he had to sneak behind her back to contact me but (now that we are past our marriage) the friendship we'd had since high school was important to both of us. She thinks that I initiated all contact and that I'm trying to steal him back from her. She emails me from his facebook account, she texts me from his phone trying to get me to say something incriminating. He gave her the passwords and handed her his phone. He even said that she's allowed to have my number and he wants her to call me anytime she feels like it because he won't ever keep a secret from her. Suddenly G and I are both harassed for days at a time and R says he won't do anything to stop it. Of course, he will hit another low period of his bipolar in a week or two and call me crying that he wants to stay friends and that he'll fix everything. He'll tell her he's going to "run to the store for cigarettes" at 10pm and take an hour to get home, he'll "have lunch at the office" once or twice a week, he'll claim to be "on the phone with mom..." He'll call me or text me every day for a month, begging me to forgive him. And I will talk to him, hoping that he's better, letting myself believe that he will stop her from contacting me again. Another month or two will go by where we only talk once a week. Then she'll sign into his facebook or open his mail and see a note from me thanking him for talking to me one night when I was really stressed, the floodgates will open and I will get threatening messages again. I see a visit to Jerry Springer in her future. I just hope I can finally say goodbye to my friendship with R before I get dragged on that stage with them. I am too sentimental, I hold onto things for much longer than they are worth saving. Time to clean house.

Time to enjoy my life with G! Making his favorite meals; sneaking in wonderful dessert once a month; inventing silly TV watching rules like "commercial time is mandatory make-out time;" feeling his whole body laugh, asking him why, and getting the response of "you were just so cute when you did that, that's why I love you..." This is the life I want, what I want to focus on. Disappear from my life, R, you don't deserve me.

The Evolution of Birthdays

I remember my mom planning birthday parties when we were little: baking the cake, blowing up balloons, cleaning the house knowing that us kids would just trash it beyond recognition, renting movies and mentally preparing herself for us to keep her up all night with the giggling and asking for popcorn... And then the late-teen, early adult years. Birthdays turned into watching us rush out the door, barely acknowledging the cake she still dutifully made, as we hurried to spend the occassion with friends instead of family. Then we became actual adults and birthdays meant very little. Sometimes a dinner out, maybe a simple gift, but really it's just another day.

Today I turned 28. Doesn't seem that old, but it took so few years for this day to morph from blissful celebration into just another Tuesday. I'm even going to work tonight for a few hours!

But this is also the age of social media- twitter and facebook rule the day. And that is where I was reminded that birthdays can still be a celebration even if they are just another Tuesday. Friends who were never at slumber parties, ones I was close with for only a short time, ones who seemed lost due to distance and circumstance... they all came to my profile today and posted on my wall. By 1am there were already 5 messages, another 10 before I woke up this morning. As of noon today, 27 people loved me enough to make my birthday their priority for the 5 seconds it took to type and post a message. 5 seconds may not seem like a lot, but it's enough to make me smile.

And my facebook wall is so much easier to clean up than a carpet full of trampled cake.

Life Moving On

It has been too long yet again. I guess maybe I could blame it on work (after over 2 months unemployed I found a part-time job, and then 3 weeks ago found a second part-time job), or say that it is summer and I have been busy enjoying the great weather, or some other excuse... But I think that a lot of the reason is that I have my friends back. The ones I didn't have time to see when I was married to R, the ones that R called a dozen times a day while we were separated- so much that they changed their phone number and avoided me so that they could avoid him, the ones I forgot about when I was spending every second forcing a "perfect marriage" onto what was so obviously broken... I have my girls that I can say anything to and love hanging out with. And now I have ignored the blog world that I turned to (and hid in) for so long. I am sorry, my dear readers, you deserve more out of me.

It is finally confirmed that my boyfriend (G) and I are moving in together! His father is moving out of state and giving him the house. Small house out in the country, a little piece of land, halfway between town and my mom's house way out in the country... Of course, we have no idea when his father is moving. Possibly this October, maybe next fall sometime... Wonderful news, wrapped in a bit of uncertainty and disappointment. It is hard for me to keep from wanting to break into the house now and take measurements for new curtains, check out lighting to plan for painting, and daydream in every furniture store within 100 miles. 3 months isn't so long to wait, a year would give me plenty of time to plan and design and slowly start buying new dishes... Oh the unfinished thoughts running through my head, because without a timeline I can't prepare. I really do like to plan and prepare and daydream.

The housing situation is up in the air, but the relationship is as amazing as ever. His mother is up here visiting from Louisianna the past week and last night was a family get-together at his sister's house. His brother has always welcomed me with open arms, but I was a little nervous about his mom and sister (R used to be quite close with the family, cut them off before we even started dating, then tried to re-bond with them after our divorce when he found out that my friendship with G was turning into a relationship). Everybody was so great to me last night, telling stories about when they were kids, Mom even leaning in to tell me silly memories she had of them growing up.

What an amazing feeling, being included. R's family was always so cold to me, and sometimes downright cruel to him right in front of me. I have always known that my family couldn't be the only one that loved so deeply and obvoiusly, that only wanted each other to be happy, that welcomed new members with open arms. It is so great to see everything wonderful about my family reflected in G's. They don't even blink at the age difference (I will be 28 in 3 weeks, he will be 40 this winter), they don't question how we became so close (my brothers knew him, R never introduced us or ever wanted to be around him while we were married, even though R and G had known each other since R was born), they just accept me and actually care about getting to know me. A horrible family can so easily wreck a relationship, but G's family is going to be the kind that embraces it and makes the relationship that much better. Loving him is the easiest thing I have ever tried or wanted to do.

R is engaged. Turns out the felon got off with just some probation. She has banned him from letting me see Little H, and he is going along with it. I miss my son. His smile, his laugh, his cocky attitude. Watching him sleep at night, the faces he makes when he is reading an advanced book and he can't pronounce a word. I die inside when I think about it, so I shut it out. Even these few sentences took so long to write because I couldn't see through the tears.

So that's where I am now: so in love with G, wanting nothing but forever by his side, devastated that my ex is moving on because that means my stepson is gone too. Life isn't perfect, but for the most part it is pretty damn close.

Not much to say, but I'll write anyway

So, it's been a month since I last wrote. Still no job, still no major progress on my boyfriend's house hunt, no contact with Little H in the past month either. I guess there is some moving forward, though. Tomorrow is my nephew's first birthday.

Boog (the nephew) spends one day a week with me. It started as time with his daddy (my brother), but Daddy got a full-time job so Auntie Roy became daycare. He was a terror today! Spitting food, screaming, biting, repeatedly doing the exact same thing he's been told "no" about a million times before. Throwing toys out the window, grabbing my glasses, slamming his toy train against the ferret cage... Out came the pack-n-play and he got put in jail. Which made him laugh. He doesn't even understand punishment!!! Makes Auntie Roy even more frustrated. Last month he was cutting a molar, so he spent all day in my lap, hugging me, silent, content to just sit there and play with my fingers. Can I have my Cuddle Boog back? I don't mind returning the Devil Boog I accidentally got today.

Yep, 1 day a week is enough parenting for me. Even on the cute days I don't mind sending him back to his mother. I am still amazed by how I feel about having children of my own. I know I would love having a child, I get a little jealous when everybody around me is pregnant (which has been the case for the past year straight, including one who just found out so I'll be hearing about her for another 7 months), and my boyfriend would make an incredible father. But I also know that I don't like waking up in the middle of the night, changing diapers every hour or two gets to be exhausting, I like my boobs exactly the way they are, and I don't want to change my favorite sexual positions to accommodate a growing belly. I like making plans for myself, not trying to squeeze in what I want to do around nap times and play dates. And I definitely like having my man to myself.

I never thought I was the type that would be this selfish. I want what I want and I don't want a baby to demand things from me. Or is it simpler than that: I can't have a baby so I'm going to brainwash myself into believing that I don't want one anyway... I'm thinking I don't want to know which it is, I would rather feel relief knowing that there is some reason why I'm content without children than feel guilt that I'm either selfish or mental enough to brainwash myself.

April 2008 to March 2010...

June 2008 my marriage officially ended. It was past time, believe me. I hated him, he sure didn't seem to like me at all anymore, the only thing that held me there was the intense desire to not lose Little H- the only child I would ever have. Even Little H wasn't enough to combat being yelled at and called names constantly.

Turns out R is bipolar, the version with rage and jealousy and paranoia. Nope, he couldn't be the hyper kind, his manic episodes were mean ones. I kind of thought that was the case, but he refused to get any help at all until his new girlfriend (she moved in 3 weeks after I left) said something. He's been through 3 live-in girlfriends since then, one of whom was girlfriend #1's sister... The current girl is also a temporary one- she is awaiting her sentencing on federal drug trafficking charges and within a month will likely be "leaving" for 6-12 months. He's going to wait for her, he has never felt this way about anybody before, etc.

I have been dating a wonderful man for 15 months now. We worked together until just a couple weeks ago. Everybody says they don't know how we could stand working together all day and then spending the rest of the day together, too. It worked for us, like really well worked for us. At work we were completely professional, and then we'd be home and could relax and enjoy each other. We both actually miss being together 24 hours a day. With me no longer working there, we only see each other 2 nights a week (can't waste all of my savings driving 20 miles each way to see him, gotta find a new job first), and we are both miserable. He is currently living in an apartment where the rent is "per person," so moving in together is not possible until he moves. Which will probably be happening sometime this year. He has been looking more and more for a house to buy, and has made it obvious that the house is for me as well.

Commitment is scary, it has gone so wrong for me in the past. I'm afraid to feel this in-love again, I don't want to feel like I'm floating when he looks at me, I get a little nervous when my heart wants to scream the "L" word... He is even more afraid of commitment than I am. And here we are, stumbling through it together, indulging in every moment we can spend in each others arms, talking about the future (including the extreme future) as if it's a given, committing to each other so extremely- as long as there are no labels...

I am in love- a love that I could have never defined before now, so different from what I thought love was when I married R- solid, heavy, honest, scary. I thought love was floating, I thought it meant sparkles and bubbles and sugar and dancing on air. I never thought love could mean sweating like never before while watching a softball tournament or not having to say a word for hours or just contentment. When I am with him, there is nowhere else I would ever want to be. I don't dream of romantic dates or escaping to a tropical island, I just want him. I can live without him, as long as that only means my twice a month girls night out, and his weekly boys night playing video games. I can be with him 24 hours a day and not want him to leave my side. I almost didn't know I was in love, but I think that's because I'm not in love. I just love him, and that is a huge difference. There are no illusions, no games, no secrets. We are completely ourselves and there is love.

Two months

That's how long it's been since my last blog. I'm not sure how long before my next. Not only does R read my blog secretly, but there is also at least one anonymous "friend" that stalks all of my internet activity. I've secluded myself to just 2 message boards that I feel safe on (well moderated, and never spoken of by name, by invitation only, etc).

6 months ago I didn't feel safe on my laptop. R had installed a keystroke logger and watched everything I did. I still don't trust that I can speak (type) freely on it. Which leaves the desktop, which R has constant access to, so I can pretty much guarantee it's bugged in some way. I'm not out trolling for a lover or stashing money so I can disappear, so I'm not feeling any sort of guilt. But R has taken away my way to share my feelings while still being private, if you know what I mean. Every time I log on I'm reminded that he didn't trust me (at the time I was having a flirtatious fling, so I guess he was slightly justified, but R assumed it was a sexual affair not just humorous flirting), and that I can't trust anything he touches.

It's crazy, but so many of the issues I still have can be linked back to that program. If I am at the store and run into the DJ I was accused of sleeping with, my heart pounds and I'm scared to say hello, even though we were friends for years before R and I got married (and nothing happened between us, no matter what my exBFF says- she admitted to trying to use the "news" to get into R's pants, but that's beside the point). My mind races and I immediately call R and tell him every word of the conversation, just to make sure he hears it from me first. I've turned shy around even my closest friends if we go out, because I don't want anybody to assume that I'm acting "too single" or "not married enough" or whatever they want to call it. I have actually really withdrawn from my message boards even. I post a couple times a week, usually oooh-ing at a new baby or answering the "what are you doing this weekend?" poll. Never anything personal, never anything that deals with R or emotions. Just the usual "awww, look at that beautiful tiny, I just wanna nibble his/her toes" and I disappear again. I hide even the good things, because I'm afraid I'll get comfortable sharing and let something less-than-perfect slip.

So I write this blog, knowing that R will read it. And the anonymous friend (who posted as "concerned" or "worried" or something like that earlier this year). And I prepare to disappear again. I'm going to be scared of my shadow for a very long time. *insert groundhog joke here* Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice trying to save my marriage. Some days it seems beyond repair, others it seems hopeless. But every once in a while we have one great day and I wish we could have more. So I stay, and hope those great days become more frequent. So far they haven't.

*Oh, and the tattoo is finished- the outline anyway- for those of you following that saga. As you can tell from the above, pics are probably not going to be posted here anytime soon, but you can email me and I'll send you one that way (in a week or two, once I've actually taken the time to take pics of it)... infertileroy@yahoo*

No clue, but I'm trying (kids mentioned)

It has been entirely too long since I've blogged. I say that so often, because so often I get lazy with my blogging. Sometimes I'm distracted, sometimes I am away from home, sometimes my life is just so boring that I can't think of anything worthwhile to blog about. Last week was excuse #2, yesterday was excuse #1, today is excuse #3. Although I'm going to type anyway, no matter how pointless the information is.

I never did blog about my friend's baby a couple weeks ago. There was a lot of drama in K's relationship with J way back when. They did the on-off thing, although in the year before they got married it was extreme. On=pregnant, off=m/c. Seriously. They got married during pgcy #3, which resulted in a beautiful little girl (they oh-so-deserved a perfect baby after what they'd been through, even though I wasn't sure I liked him marrying her). For the record- K is a guy, my best friend, I know I've blogged about him before, in my 100 things. Anyway, their little girl is 2 1/2-ish. New baby just came out a couple weeks ago, they induced at 37 weeks because J was in so much pain and had been on bedrest since 16, strict bedrest since 22wks. I don't know all the details from early on, because they nearly divorced over this baby. My dearest K is not the daddy and he knew it from the beginning. They have resolved all baby-daddy issues and are happy now. I'm still slightly conflicted. Although hearing the wonder in K's voice when he talks about his new son, it melts me. As long as K is happy, so am I.

Last week I disappeared on Tuesday. Snow was forecast for Wednesday and Thursday, the two options for when I could go downstate to get Little H (I pick him up on Thurs, but sometimes go down a night early and hang out with Uncle Tattoo and such). So, R rushed me into packing my stuff and we took off. You see, the truck has a seemingly exploded brake line, so my car is our only vehicle. And he needed it for work for the week, so he dropped me in town with Uncle Tattoo and made arrangements for me to use my mom's car to pick up Little H from school. 2 days before I could pick up Little H, stranded in town with no car (I could have gotten a ride to my mom's house when my dad got out of work, but stranded in town is SOOOOO much better than stranded at mom's), didn't bring my laptop. Holy wow that sucked. But I did get to watch some awesome tattoos being done, saw some amazing artwork, and got to hang out with the crew at the shop. I used to spend whole days there over the summer, so I really missed being there.

Thursday was yet another snow day for Little H. And his mom's house is impossible to get to without 4wheel drive and a winch. So I decided that I'd just wait and pick him up from school on Friday. His mom threw a fit. Apparently she likes getting rid of her kids whenever possible and demanded that I drive out there and get him. It's over an hour from my mom's house, the last 4 miles of roads are NEVER plowed, and she lives on a hill with huge pits at the end of her driveway that suck in cars and seriously upset the super-winch on the tow truck getting the car out. NO WAY. More bitching from her, but she eventually gave in when the only option was for her to meet me in her town- she has no car so she couldn't do it at the time the court order says the exchange is supposed to be. Another snow day on Monday, more whining from her. I ended up dropping off Little H with R's grandma for a little while until the mom's boyfriend got out of work to pick him up. At this rate, the kid won't get out of school in the summer until July. They've had 5 snow days during R's days, plus another 4 that I can think of, and probably more than that. They get 3 free (as in, they expect at least 3 snow days so they start the school year with 3 more days than required, so they can pretend they're not making up as many actual days), but they've gone way beyond that already. And we aren't done with the storms yet, so there is a possibility of 2-4 more snow days before winter is over. Then they have the possibility of cancellations due to fog. Yep, he'll be in school till July.

My mom is up visiting right now. She brought her 3 1/2 month old puppy. I have pictures- on the desktop- I will try to be less lazy and post some soon. Tiffany took 2 days to tolerate him, but now she'll wrestle and everything. Argos liked him well enough from the start, but does no real playing even now. But they are so cute together, all 3 of them. Yes, I promise pictures this week, I can't help but share the adorableness of it all.

*note about my last post- I have learned to never leave home without my Valium. It was prescribed to help me sleep (an not have wacky-vivid dreams that prevented relaxation), but I know all it's uses and know it would help me if I were to ever have another panic attack. It takes up a lot of valuable space in my purse- only one type of tattoo ointment fits now- but just knowing it is there is actually very helpful. Yay drugs.*