More health-related issues for R

Guess who is back up at the house.... Yep, me. R called early yesterday morning to tell me he was going to the ER. He was having some issues with tingling/shaking in his right hand, bad headache on the left side of his head, random/slight tunnel vision, and a bit of lightheadedness. Oh, and he also couldn't talk, as in he would try to say words and they came out and mumbling no matter how hard he tried. Being medically trained, I immediately associate the dysphasia (speech problem) with maybe a minor stroke or blood clot in his brain. Everything else can be tied back to brain injury as well. The doctors didn't focus as much trying to diagnose the dysphasia, they really wanted to explain the shaking in his arm because that was coming and going all day long and the dysphasia resolved itself in 10-15 minutes.

Diagnosis- focal seizure. Oooooh, the dreaded "S" word. Not so scary because it's just in one hand and we're pretty sure we know why (I will get into those details momentarily), but it does prevent him from being allowed to drive at least until his followup with the neurologist, and possibly for 6 months. His job requires driving, so that might be in jeopardy. The military freaks out when they see the "s" word, so that career might be in jeopardy too. We're not going to jump to any conclusions until we get the neurology report, but the future is really up in the air.

So, I am up here (thankfully I have all but 1 day off this week from nannying, and my mom will come up and drive him around that day) driving him around. Waking up at 5:30am so I can drive him to work (ok, he wakes up at 5:30, I sleep until 5 minutes before we have to leave, but I do hear his alarm clock...), driving back to base to bring him lunch so we can eat together, and back on base again to pick him up after work. Plus any driving to the grocery store for whatever we need. It seems so pointless, because he feels fine and even when the episode was at its worst he could still function (speaking isn't his strong suit anyway, so I don't see it as much of a loss) (joking). But, the dr said no driving, so here I am, personal chauffeur.

On to the cause. When R was 17 he got into a car accident, his car basically ping-ponged off the guardrails on both sides of a small country road. His head hit the post next to him. The cop asked if he wanted an ambulance, R was admirably strong and said he was uninjured and didn't need one. The moron cop listened. R walked the mile and a half home, where he promptly loss conciousness and was found 6 hours later and an ambulance was called. CT scan, MRI, EEG. Nothing found, played off as a concussion with no brain injury. 3 months later he randomly passed out at work, that was basically ignored and called an "anxiety attack." Since then, nothing until about 15 months ago when he had the whole speech issue at work one day, but it resolved itself in just a few minutes so R ignored it thinking it was just a tired thing.

CT yesterday didn't show anything, but they are getting all the authorizations required to send him for an MRI and a consult with a neurologist. It is going to be a very long few weeks. I'm supposed to nanny 2 hours away, 10 hour days, there is no way I can drive R back and forth to work and still work myself. It's no career, but I love the baby I watch and with the possibility that R's job might be on the line, we're gonna need all the money we can get. This is going to be rough.

Until yesterday, I really only had the desire to be here on weekends, maybe one or two days during the week if I didn't have to work. Even now, I don't think I'm even close to ready to move back in. But, R needs me and I can't stand to turn my back on that. Yeah, he only needs me for half an hour twice a day, but he does need me. Hopefully he can find another way to and from work soon, because I can't justify quitting my job just to drive him around. And hopefully the neurologist will find something wrong (because that would mean it's fixable and would never cause another problem in the future, which would mean he could keep his job and stay in the military) and we can fix this soon. If only things were easy.

Yay, I can post titles again

Last weekend was R and mine's anniversary. 3 years. Not quite the anniversary we had planned, considering I'm still living somewhere else and he is still lacking adequate knives (they were a wedding gift from a close friend of mine that he barely knows, so logically the knife set belongs to me if we are separated). That and Ha.rry Po.tter was quite the interference. Some may argue that I should have postponed my reading of the book until after our anniversary, but I had no intention of listening to those killjoys. It's fricken Ha.rry Po.tter, no way is that waiting 2 entire days so that I'd have to read during the baby's naptime (I am now a nanny, a very underpaid nanny, but it's a friend and just about the perfect baby so I don't mind). R felt neglected, but coped very well (he chose to rub my feet and calves while I was reading, not sure when he decided that because I was well into the book before I realized he was even in the living room with me).

Still no progress on my tattoo. There are a few factors effecting that, though. One- watching the baby makes tattoos more dangerous, he's 8 months old and starting to pull himself to standing. One of his favorite standing posts is my legs, and tiny fingernails in a fresh tattoo hurt nearly as much as an HSG. Two- my schedule requires me to be awake early in the day, so I'm tired by the time openings in the tattooists schedule come up, it's hard to be awake and willing to endure pain at 10pm when I have to get up early. Three (and probably the biggest issue, because I can deal with the other two)- I can't stand the owner of the shop, so I schedule my appointments when he isn't there, but he has been there almost constantly for weeks. He's not a terrible guy, but he's not into doing favors for anybody so he'd throw a fit if he found out I was paying less than average for my tattoo, and he'd be a dick about me whining, he can be quite intollerant depending on his moods. I'm biding my time, because I really want to get more work done. I crave ink!

R is still going crazy over planning our next IF move. I'm not even ready to move back in here (2-3 day visits are as long as I can tolerate, and only every other week), but he's got plans for where we'll save money and which bank we'll start an IF treatment savings account in and how to get more vacation days saved up for appointments. He's eating right and cutting back on his coffee, getting help to quit smoking, taking vitamins, scheduling SA just because he wants to know where we're at. Every infertile's dream, except I'm not "infertile" right now, for the time being I'm "not ready for kids." Yeah, I'm still infertile, I still have endo and my body still wouldn't get/stay pg if I tried, but I feel way less infertile than I do "not ready." I've told him that, but he needs to make plans apparently.

Being worried about getting pushed into TTC has me even more apprehensive about moving back. Am I ready for wandings and injections? Am I ready to have another lap and HSG before we even start (because if I do it, I want to do it right and get started with the cleanest reproductive organs I can get)? I'm about to turn 25, my aunt with endo had a complete hysterectomy at 31. Am I headed down that road? Do I have time to put off kids, or should I jump right into it just in case? One of R's best friends is getting a hysterectomy next month, she's 26. Is the birth control I've been on for most of my life enough to control it so I don't end up that way? If I don't feel the overwhelming need to be a mother right now, will that make me less of a good parent if I do get pg soon? Will not feeling that need make my body even less hospitable to a baby? Will my baby know that I had doubts about creating him/her and not love me? I know the answers, but that doesn't stop the questions from swirling around in my head.

Damn blogger and the bug that is not allowing me to title my posts.

I know, weird that I'm blogging again just minutes after my last post. But, I checked with st.atcounter and found something I wanted to share. I have been found by Ira.q. Not just found, I mean found in a search. Not just any search- "real naked soldier pics." So, in honor of my nudie g.oog.le fame, here is a shout out to Camp Li.berty in Ira.q. Lots of love to all our servicemembers, come home safe!

OK, so no title for this one (because blogger is being a bitch and won't let me click up there).

I lied about counseling. Not on purpose, but R fired his counselor and we have yet to find a new one. So no counseling this week, but nearly 6 whole days together, which is way more intense than some hour with a guy who barely knows us.

Nearly killed R about a week and a half ago. I was up here for a couple days (if you hadn't noticed, I'm at our house right now, not at my parents'), and wouldn't you know it, he got a really fast speeding ticket on his new motorcycle on the drive here. Really fast, as in they could have taken away his bike. They wrote him for 30 over and let him keep the bike. That was nice of them. I, on the other hand, was a gigantic bitch. Lots of yelling, by the time I was done he was on his knees and crying. It also just so happens that a very good friend's father is still on life support in a medically induced coma missing half his skull (to relieve pressure when his brain started swelling) after hitting a deer on his motorcycle, and he was going the speed limit. R deserved the guilt trip, and I'm getting really good at giving that ride.

Little H is up here with us. We picked him up after the fireworks Wednesday night. He was an ass yesterday, threw the biggest temper tantrum (a team of 2 year olds couldn't compare to him), argued about everything, screamed and cried over the tiniest of things. Today is much better, which I atribute to actual sleep (oh, and getting to wear underwear because for the 2 weeks prior he hadn't, his mother forgot to bring any on their camping trip, she also forgot to bathe him the entire time, and didn't have enough clean shirts because he ended up having to wear one of hers).

The air show starts tomorrow. We (R, me, Little H, my brother CML, his girlfriend L, and on Sunday R's uncle Tattoo) have VIP passes for the whole event, and R and I are getting All Access passes for backstage at the concerts tomorrow night (backstage passes courtesy of Ra.ymond H.arris). It's going to be so much fun. I'm really not into planes and all that junk, but it'll be great to see how excited Little H gets at everything. He's still confused about how the parachute team does anything cool while they're falling from the sky, so that's going to be amusing to see him realize.

Oh, and before I completely forget: a pic of the start of my new tattoo. Hopefully I'll get in for my second sitting next week, my goal is to finish my leg in that sitting, and start on my back by the end of the month (I have to work around his regular schedule, since I'm paying way less than normal customers it's only fair). I swear it looks way sexier when I'm wearing heels and a short skirt, but that's not the easiest pic to take when I'm the one holding the camera (and didn't have my heels or skirt at the time).

Two weeks till counseling

Wow, it's been a long couple weeks. R seems to have smartened up, staying away from my blog, not calling as much, leaving me alone when I ask. It's a step, and the one that was required for me to set a timeline for starting counseling. I will be up there the weekend of the 7th for the airshow, so I'm going up a day or two early and we'll have a couples counseling session. Woohoo, we're making progress.

Shit, I really want to write more, I want to update on things, but I'm exhausted. It's been a few late nights lately, so I just don't have the energy to. I have a new tattoo design picked out, vines and flowers from my ankle all the way up to my shoulder. It's fucking HOT! I can't wait to get it done, I will post pictures of it. Well, off I go, time to relax and shower and get ready for bed early. My love to you all!

I know you were here

R,
This place is not for you. I created it intending for you to NEVER find and NEVER read. Now that you've been here, it's ruined. Do not come back. If I ever find out you came here again, I will delete the whole thing. You have violated my safe place, you have stolen the comfort I find when I write and the compassion I get from the women that read and comment. You cannot be here. If I lose this place, you lose me, this is your ONLY warning.

Far, far away

In my search for some time to myself, I have fled out of state. Now I'm in Ohio, for a week (got here on Friday, kinda late at night, leaving Thursday afternoon-ish depending on how early in the day I want to brave the heat in my car with the broken a/c). It feels so good to be away from all of the drama. I resolved the issue with Little H (long story, but basically- somebody told him that he couldn't stay at Daddy's house last weekend because he was the reason we were separated and neither of us loved him anymore- the truth being that R had to work and I was coming down here. that sucked, took 2 whole days to get him to even talk to R on the phone to get it straightened out, and then I went into his school before I left to come down here and talk face to face. it's better now), and now I'm free to relax.

Tonight is the start of my best friend's (we'll call him Boy Scout, we met working at B.S. camp about 5 years ago) weekend (he works 4 10-hour shifts a week, off Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday), so it's going to be a late night. The house will be pretty full tonight, though, his wife has a friend here too. Tomorrow the wife is leaving to take her friend home, so it'll just be me, Boy Scout, and their housemate. I expect lots of crying out of me, and hopefully some sort of epiphany about what I want. Same goes for Wednesday night, except the wife will be back and wanting Boy Scout's attention all on her (which is understandable, she is the wife, but I'm selfishly glad that she will be gone tomorrow night and I can have his shoulder to cry on without her butting in). That makes me sound like a bitch, but Boy Scout and I have always confided everything in each other, and we can always make each other feel better about situations. I need my time with him, because I know that he knows exactly what to say and how to make me talk without pushing, a few hours of talking to him is guaranteed to make me feel better. And since he's almost like a brother to me, there's not even the slightest possibility of dumb flirtation to distract from it. He knows there's something wrong, he knows every detail of my personality and can pinpoint everything that is off about me right now. Sometimes I think we must be plutonic soulmates, we just fit so well together as friends.

In other news, R is now wearing a pomegranate-colored string on his right wrist. He googled infertility, apparently in his desire to understand what I went through for so long, and stumbled upon the Sti.rrup Que.ens blog. Read all about the Common Thread Project, became suddenly proud of my rather miniscule contribution, and is now wearing a bracelet. The only problem is- it's too late. Not that I will never want children, just that right now I don't feel any desire towards it. This is a weird feeling for me, I've always felt the need for children, I don't know how to act without it. I can walk past pregnant women and have my heart stay in place, I can see newborns and not start to cry, I can play with a toddler and not ache to hold him/her forever. Not sure I like this feeling, but I'm learning to accept it as a new part of myself.

What do we do when we lose that urge? Am I the only one? Does it come back? Is my desire for motherhood broken forever? Will it feel the same to have a baby after I've gone through this period of indifference? All these questions, and I'm still trying to answer the most important one- do I want to try one more time with R, or have I lost that urge to fight for us?