OK, so no title for this one (because blogger is being a bitch and won't let me click up there).

I lied about counseling. Not on purpose, but R fired his counselor and we have yet to find a new one. So no counseling this week, but nearly 6 whole days together, which is way more intense than some hour with a guy who barely knows us.

Nearly killed R about a week and a half ago. I was up here for a couple days (if you hadn't noticed, I'm at our house right now, not at my parents'), and wouldn't you know it, he got a really fast speeding ticket on his new motorcycle on the drive here. Really fast, as in they could have taken away his bike. They wrote him for 30 over and let him keep the bike. That was nice of them. I, on the other hand, was a gigantic bitch. Lots of yelling, by the time I was done he was on his knees and crying. It also just so happens that a very good friend's father is still on life support in a medically induced coma missing half his skull (to relieve pressure when his brain started swelling) after hitting a deer on his motorcycle, and he was going the speed limit. R deserved the guilt trip, and I'm getting really good at giving that ride.

Little H is up here with us. We picked him up after the fireworks Wednesday night. He was an ass yesterday, threw the biggest temper tantrum (a team of 2 year olds couldn't compare to him), argued about everything, screamed and cried over the tiniest of things. Today is much better, which I atribute to actual sleep (oh, and getting to wear underwear because for the 2 weeks prior he hadn't, his mother forgot to bring any on their camping trip, she also forgot to bathe him the entire time, and didn't have enough clean shirts because he ended up having to wear one of hers).

The air show starts tomorrow. We (R, me, Little H, my brother CML, his girlfriend L, and on Sunday R's uncle Tattoo) have VIP passes for the whole event, and R and I are getting All Access passes for backstage at the concerts tomorrow night (backstage passes courtesy of Ra.ymond H.arris). It's going to be so much fun. I'm really not into planes and all that junk, but it'll be great to see how excited Little H gets at everything. He's still confused about how the parachute team does anything cool while they're falling from the sky, so that's going to be amusing to see him realize.

Oh, and before I completely forget: a pic of the start of my new tattoo. Hopefully I'll get in for my second sitting next week, my goal is to finish my leg in that sitting, and start on my back by the end of the month (I have to work around his regular schedule, since I'm paying way less than normal customers it's only fair). I swear it looks way sexier when I'm wearing heels and a short skirt, but that's not the easiest pic to take when I'm the one holding the camera (and didn't have my heels or skirt at the time).

Two weeks till counseling

Wow, it's been a long couple weeks. R seems to have smartened up, staying away from my blog, not calling as much, leaving me alone when I ask. It's a step, and the one that was required for me to set a timeline for starting counseling. I will be up there the weekend of the 7th for the airshow, so I'm going up a day or two early and we'll have a couples counseling session. Woohoo, we're making progress.

Shit, I really want to write more, I want to update on things, but I'm exhausted. It's been a few late nights lately, so I just don't have the energy to. I have a new tattoo design picked out, vines and flowers from my ankle all the way up to my shoulder. It's fucking HOT! I can't wait to get it done, I will post pictures of it. Well, off I go, time to relax and shower and get ready for bed early. My love to you all!

I know you were here

R,
This place is not for you. I created it intending for you to NEVER find and NEVER read. Now that you've been here, it's ruined. Do not come back. If I ever find out you came here again, I will delete the whole thing. You have violated my safe place, you have stolen the comfort I find when I write and the compassion I get from the women that read and comment. You cannot be here. If I lose this place, you lose me, this is your ONLY warning.

Far, far away

In my search for some time to myself, I have fled out of state. Now I'm in Ohio, for a week (got here on Friday, kinda late at night, leaving Thursday afternoon-ish depending on how early in the day I want to brave the heat in my car with the broken a/c). It feels so good to be away from all of the drama. I resolved the issue with Little H (long story, but basically- somebody told him that he couldn't stay at Daddy's house last weekend because he was the reason we were separated and neither of us loved him anymore- the truth being that R had to work and I was coming down here. that sucked, took 2 whole days to get him to even talk to R on the phone to get it straightened out, and then I went into his school before I left to come down here and talk face to face. it's better now), and now I'm free to relax.

Tonight is the start of my best friend's (we'll call him Boy Scout, we met working at B.S. camp about 5 years ago) weekend (he works 4 10-hour shifts a week, off Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday), so it's going to be a late night. The house will be pretty full tonight, though, his wife has a friend here too. Tomorrow the wife is leaving to take her friend home, so it'll just be me, Boy Scout, and their housemate. I expect lots of crying out of me, and hopefully some sort of epiphany about what I want. Same goes for Wednesday night, except the wife will be back and wanting Boy Scout's attention all on her (which is understandable, she is the wife, but I'm selfishly glad that she will be gone tomorrow night and I can have his shoulder to cry on without her butting in). That makes me sound like a bitch, but Boy Scout and I have always confided everything in each other, and we can always make each other feel better about situations. I need my time with him, because I know that he knows exactly what to say and how to make me talk without pushing, a few hours of talking to him is guaranteed to make me feel better. And since he's almost like a brother to me, there's not even the slightest possibility of dumb flirtation to distract from it. He knows there's something wrong, he knows every detail of my personality and can pinpoint everything that is off about me right now. Sometimes I think we must be plutonic soulmates, we just fit so well together as friends.

In other news, R is now wearing a pomegranate-colored string on his right wrist. He googled infertility, apparently in his desire to understand what I went through for so long, and stumbled upon the Sti.rrup Que.ens blog. Read all about the Common Thread Project, became suddenly proud of my rather miniscule contribution, and is now wearing a bracelet. The only problem is- it's too late. Not that I will never want children, just that right now I don't feel any desire towards it. This is a weird feeling for me, I've always felt the need for children, I don't know how to act without it. I can walk past pregnant women and have my heart stay in place, I can see newborns and not start to cry, I can play with a toddler and not ache to hold him/her forever. Not sure I like this feeling, but I'm learning to accept it as a new part of myself.

What do we do when we lose that urge? Am I the only one? Does it come back? Is my desire for motherhood broken forever? Will it feel the same to have a baby after I've gone through this period of indifference? All these questions, and I'm still trying to answer the most important one- do I want to try one more time with R, or have I lost that urge to fight for us?

Woot! I found internet

I have snuck my way into the computer lab of the local university, so here I am.

It's been almost 3 weeks since I moved down here. There are still a few things in my car (yes, I am that lazy, plus my room is so damn tiny and I don't know where to put the stuff), but I'm basically moved in. My dad is already driving me crazy- the day I moved in, hadn't even unpacked one box from the car, the first thing he said to me: "what are you making for dinner?" My mom is great, basically just giving me space. R talks to her on the phone most nights, he doesn't have any friends he can rely on, he ditched most of them during his fling with the church. He's getting them back, though. I'm glad, he needs friends, he needs somebody to talk to and relax with while he's going through this.

R is in counseling, he's about to upgrade to twice weekly for about a month. I am so glad he is going, it is going to help him so much. He wants me to start coming up to visit for a day or two a week (not for another couple weeks, he has finally realized the need to back off). I don't know. He isn't that religious freak anymore, but he also isn't really himself yet. He's trying so hard, which is just screwing things up more, going from one extreme last month to the other this month. Maybe once he settles back down I will think about it. I've never been able to say no when it comes to him, all logic goes to hell and my brain doesn't even try to override my heart. But I am being strong, I am taking this time for myself and not even offering the option until he's been in counseling a month (almost 2 weeks already, so he is making progress). If I do go up to visit, I think I want it to be on a day he has counseling, so I can go with him and have a couples session, work on some of "our" issues. I won't be sleeping in his bed, none of that kind of stuff, just being in the same half of the state and talking. We'll need a lot of that before we can really do much else toward staying together.

I have about 20 other things to do while I have access to the internet. Thank you everybody for your support and kind words. I couldn't do this without you.

It's officially over

I have made the absolute decision to leave. There is no turning back or way to fix things. I gave R the ultimatum to either see a marriage counselor (and NOT one through his church) or divorce. He told me that he'd never see a secular counselor and if I didn't want a divorce I'd have to go to counseling through his church. Nope, that's not the deal I offered him, and I've given in on every demand he's ever made, not this time. He wasn't willing to compromise just a little bit to make our marriage work. So, I'm out, and there is nothing that will change my mind. He has proven that he doesn't respect my faith or even who I am as a person, he has proven that he is the only one that matters in this marriage. Doesn't sound like a situation I want to stay in, and it's definitely not something I'm willing to put up with.

I don't feel sad that I'm leaving R. I hate this town and can't wait to leave, and I'm feeling less and less concern for R as he is starting to show how selfish and manipulative he can be. I will miss Little H, but one happy weekend a month isn't worth it. I won't be able to tell him goodbye, he won't be here again before I leave. But we will be living in the same area (read: the only WalMart within 20 miles) so I'm sure I'll see him again sometime. The dog is mine, R's keeping the stray cats. And I have never been so happy to break up in my life. I realized that I haven't been myself in at least a year, and in the past 6 months I haven't been anything, I'm empty as a person. This is my chance to fill myself again, with happiness and energy and excitement for life. And I am telling everybody I talk to that I'm getting a divorce, making damn sure I can't talk myself out of it (not that I would ever want to now that I see the rest of the world around me, I don't know how I lost sight of it for so long).

Mel, sneak in the back of the Lushary (I know it's not open today, but please) and pour everybody a drink! Today is a day to celebrate me becoming me again, being full rather than hollow, and independent rather than withdrawn! My life is mine again, and I will enjoy it.

Don't blame it on the sunshine!

Don't blame it on the moonlight!
Don't blame it on the good times!
Blame it on the boogie!

OK, enough Michael Jackson reminiscing. I have been away for quite a while, haven't I? And really, it had nothing to do with the nice weather, or my overwhelming need to sleep, or anything exciting happening. Blame it on the boogie (which in the song means boogie, here I'm using the word to reference everyday life). And then, I went downstate for the weekend, which means that I guess it can be blamed on the good times (partially, from Thursday until last night).

I spent Thursday in Ann Arbor with my baby brother (have I named him yet? I don't think so, we'll go with Doe). Yummy chinese food, sitting around the dorm, contributing to the delinquency (just a little bit, hey, he's in college, he'd find another buyer if I wasn't around). It was nice. We never hang out when he's home, so it's nice to get to know him a little bit when he's in his element at college.

The rest of the weekend was spent in Fenton catching up with some old friends. We hung out, watched a live band at the local bar, watched movies. Every time we left the house we ended up drinking, it's like those girls look for every excuse they can find (not really, we were having an indulgent girls weekend). Waiting for haircut appt??? Let's go to Buffalo Wild Wings and have a beer on the patio. Gave up on haircut after waiting so long??? Let's go to another bar and have Long Islands and play with the jukebox. Live band??? Let's go to the bar and have drinks. And that was all on Saturday. It was indulgent and relaxing and I didn't think about IF or DH at all. I miss those carefree days. And not just the weekend, I miss back in college when I had so few responsibilities and I got to be selfish every once in a while. Even on my indulgent weekend I didn't get to be selfish, because I had a strict budget to follow. Being a grown up sucks!

But, I do get to brag about R a little bit. Saturday there was a tragic crash at a Blue Angels show, one of the pilots died. Saturday afternoon R got a call asking him to completely revamp the official fan club website and include a memorial guest book. He stayed up all night to do it, and now the link is being forwarded to national news stations. Here's the link (go ahead and leave feedback in my comments if you want, he loves any sort of feedback on his websites as he is fairly new at building them): www.blueangelsfanclub.com

Now to catch up on all the housework that R didn't even attempt to do while I was gone. Home for 2 weeks after lap, all weekend by himself, didn't even do dishes. Watched the dog dig a huge hole under the fence, didn't even push dirt back in the hole (or toss in pieces of our old sidewalk like he planned, to keep her from wanting to dig there anymore), so the wife has to do that too. I swear, one of these days I'm going to stab him in the throat while he's sleeping.