I have made the absolute decision to leave. There is no turning back or way to fix things. I gave R the ultimatum to either see a marriage counselor (and NOT one through his church) or divorce. He told me that he'd never see a secular counselor and if I didn't want a divorce I'd have to go to counseling through his church. Nope, that's not the deal I offered him, and I've given in on every demand he's ever made, not this time. He wasn't willing to compromise just a little bit to make our marriage work. So, I'm out, and there is nothing that will change my mind. He has proven that he doesn't respect my faith or even who I am as a person, he has proven that he is the only one that matters in this marriage. Doesn't sound like a situation I want to stay in, and it's definitely not something I'm willing to put up with.
I don't feel sad that I'm leaving R. I hate this town and can't wait to leave, and I'm feeling less and less concern for R as he is starting to show how selfish and manipulative he can be. I will miss Little H, but one happy weekend a month isn't worth it. I won't be able to tell him goodbye, he won't be here again before I leave. But we will be living in the same area (read: the only WalMart within 20 miles) so I'm sure I'll see him again sometime. The dog is mine, R's keeping the stray cats. And I have never been so happy to break up in my life. I realized that I haven't been myself in at least a year, and in the past 6 months I haven't been anything, I'm empty as a person. This is my chance to fill myself again, with happiness and energy and excitement for life. And I am telling everybody I talk to that I'm getting a divorce, making damn sure I can't talk myself out of it (not that I would ever want to now that I see the rest of the world around me, I don't know how I lost sight of it for so long).
Mel, sneak in the back of the Lushary (I know it's not open today, but please) and pour everybody a drink! Today is a day to celebrate me becoming me again, being full rather than hollow, and independent rather than withdrawn! My life is mine again, and I will enjoy it.
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A new chapter in life, but it seems more like an entirely new life, and I'm loving it.
About Me
- Roy
- The great wild North, Michigan, United States
- Once infertile, always infertile, even when getting pregnant is the last thing on my mind. Divorced, living with Mom, making a new life and proud of what it has become. Oh, and falling into love again just when I thought I wouldn't mind never doing that.
6 comments:
Wow, you sound very determined to get your life back. Good for you! I'm sorry you will have to deal with the ugliness of divorce - hopefully it will be amicable and not drag on forever.
Good luck, and if you ever need to talk, we're here!
Good luck...you have a lot of courage!
For you, there is always a drink. I'm sorry that you're in this position, but you sound very empowered. I'm wishing you so much luck on this new page of your life.
Best of luck to you!
An update? How are you doing?
Update from Royalyne:
The first week I was home, he called me daily, begging me to come back, not
giving me any time to myself. The next week he showed up, stayed for almost
a week. All sorts of pushy again, wanting to spend every second together,
dragging me into jewelry stores because he wants to buy me a new engagement
ring when I come back, etc. He finally left on Sunday, and I'm waiting to
feel relaxed. I've been uptight and anxious and not sleeping well. He was
up all night talking to my mom last night (she called me at 2:30am when he
finally hung up), she was crying and trying to talk sense into him. He
won't listen to me when I tell him I just need some time and space to think
and work things out. He doesn't listen when his friends or my mom tell him
the same thing. It's pushing me further and further away, and he won't
stop.
I'm kind of working this weekend. I haven't found a job yet, but a friend
is a tattoo artist and he's doing a show at the opening of a Harley Davidson
dealership this weekend and asked me to come along and keep track of the
paperwork (release forms, photocopying the stencils, keeping track of
supplies and payments). It'll probably only end up paying for gas in my
car, but it's better than nothing.
My belly is telling me that it's time for breakfast (maybe lunch, it is
after noon now, but I slept in till 11am, so I think I can call it
breakfast, wait, it doesn't matter what I call it, I just need to eat).
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