This list could take a while, but I feel like background is important. In a normal situation, you would be learning the details slowly, as part of individual thoughts. But, I tend to ramble and forget the background information sometimes, so the list can be some sort of reference, if nothing else.
4. R was raised by his grandparents. His mother was only 15 when he was born, his father 16. It took a while for them to get custody. R's father is an abusive drunk, he was back then, too. And while they play the heroes for saving R from that life, they constantly turn that against him. R is his father's son in their eyes, and he will never accomplish enough/do enough good/prove himself enough to get out from under that cruel shadow. And they think very little of me for being with him. They told me once that he would never actually love me, that he was incapable of knowing the true emotion, that he would always be indifferent and lie to me. What a welcome to the family. And it has all gone downhill from there.
5. My mom married a Marine (we'll use his nickname from back then: Rat) when she was 8 months pregnant with me. He is not my biological father, but I have never met the one that is. Rat raised me as his own, his name is on my birth certificate. He's an ass. I love him as my father, but cannot respect him as a person. Rat left my mom several times, each to be with another woman. Mom is strong, but would do anything to make her children happy, even allow Rat to come home. Rat was an alcoholic while he was in the corps, something Mom forced him to give up if he really wanted to come back to our family. Now that all us children are grown (me-24, CML-21, BR-19), he has gone back to his old ways. He drinks and drives, he smokes pot with dirty/creepy people he met when he was drunk. Mom is financially dependent on him, she had a mental breakdown several years ago and he drove them to the verge of bankruptcy before could get healthy again, she has spent every penny since trying to get things back on course. If she left him, she would lose the house, car, everything, it would all get taken by the bank. My life has been lived with finances always looming overhead and sacrifices being made to save the budget.
6. At age 24, my budget is no longer always breaking. R has a good job, a secure job, one that affords what we need. Every once in a while we even get to spoil ourselves a little. We own our house, R had a newer truck, our bills all get paid. At one point, this would have felt like heaven to me, not having to decide which bills to pay or not pay this month. But actually having the money we need is also a reminder that we don't have much left over for wants. And when you can't have a baby, wants start feeling a lot like needs (RE, IUI, IVF, ICSI).
7. Our infertility is partly caused by my endometriosis. It was bad, my lapa.roscopy took 3 times longer than they had planned. One ovary was out of position, but still functioning, and there was no affect on my ute or tubes. So, a very bad case of endo, but no real reason behind my IF because it wasn't affecting vital reproductive tissue. The rest is unexplained. Not diagnosed as unexplained, they just haven't given me any information to explain why the lap didn't help or why I still can't get pregnant. All I know is that endo is way too painful for me to live with. Almost exactly 1 year after my lap, I returned to the comforting arms of birth control pills. I don't have to give up one week a month to lie writhing in pain on the couch, taking the maximum dose of every medication I can find, painkiller or not. It also guarantees I won't be getting pregnant (HA, like that was ever a possibility anyway).
8. I was pregnant, once, for about 10 days. I actually started spotting 2 days after I found out, the spotting lasted about a week, then I had my first prenatal visit with my primary doctor (we'll call this one Elvis). I had a positive urine test at the beginning of my appointment, although it was faint. A few hours later I got the call about my beta number: 4, not pregnant. Still no explanation why the positive urine test, my slightly educated guess is that my beta had been dropping for days, the hcg was properly filtered out of my blood, but had yet to be completely passed in my urine. No matter how I ended up with conflicting results, there was no baby coming in 8 months.
9. We had already named that baby. Not fully, but we knew for sure the middle name would be Dean, no matter the gender. With a father in the military, I was moved around a lot as a kid. To base for a while to live with him, back to my grandparents for a while when he got sent overseas, to another base, and back to my grandparents. My uncle (here we use his favorite nickname to use on all children: Goofball) lived 1/4 mile down the road from my grandparents. He was diabetic, unable to work his entire life, unwilling to marry or have children because he refused to be the cause of somebody else suffering because of his diabetes (whether that be passing it on to children, or his wife mourning because he knew he would pass away long before her). He was a second father to me, his middle name was Dean. He passed away 2 days before father's day last year. The funeral was on father's day, which happened to also be his father's birthday. He didn't know that R and I plan to name our child after him, whenever it is we have one. He didn't know that his memory will forever live in a baby that I bring into this world. He didn't know he had so much effect on my life that I refused to marry R if he didn't agree whole-heartedly to having our child be my uncle's namesake. I had begged him to stay alive long enough to hold my babies, instead of begging I should have told him my plan, at least he would have known.
Part 3 of the list to come, first I have to recover from writing part 2. The wounds from losing my uncle are still very deep, they effect my life more than even I realize. The worst knowledge I have is that even if I do have children they will never know him. Infertility has stolen him from my children, it caused them to not be born soon enough to know his love. We will touch much more on Goofball in the future, he is part of my heart.
Showing posts with label pretend it's introductory. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pretend it's introductory. Show all posts
25 February 2007
How about a real(ish) introduction?
Yesterday I needed to vent, I needed to babble on and on, I needed to get the words out no matter who read them. This morning is a fresh start, however, and as such I think it should be used to properly make my start here.
There are so many things affecting my life/brain/emotions, that I don't know where to begin. I'm just going to start listing. Maybe in the coming weeks/months I will return to the list and get into the details of individual points. Right now, though, let it be the highlights of what makes me tick.
THE LIST:
1. 24 years old, married 2 1/2 years, together an indeterminable amount of time. We'd known each other since 5th grade (never liked each other in that way, but it was a small school so you knew everybody), started "dating" a year after graduation when he came back from A.rmy Bas.ic Training (he was buff, compared to the rather scrawny guy he was in hs, I had finally started looking like a grown teen instead of an 11 year old). It was mostly physical for quite a while, very off and on for 3 years. He proposed out of the blue, we weren't even "on again" when he proposed. I accepted, a few months later he deployed to S.inai Egy.pt, he came home, we eloped, big wedding 2 months later. We both had amazingly crappy jobs, not a penny to spare for anything other than car insurance and gas to get to work (shared his care, lived with my parents because we couldn't afford rent even). He lucked upon a job 2 hours away, an opportunity that only lasted a split second, and he took it. 8 months later I finally moved with him. A year later we bought our house. We've lived in this house almost 6 months now.
2. I actually hate the town we live in. I gave up all my friends to come here, and this town isn't one that replaces friends well. 18 months here and people still won't look at me in the grocery store. Nobody says hello when they pass you walking in the parking lot. They cling to their own and it takes a decade for an "outsider" to even start breaking in. There is no nightlife, no place for a girl in her 20's to get out and experience life. We went from a college town to an empty one. People look at me out of the corner of their eye, and their looks tell me that I'm not one of them. I can try, I can be the polite one that initiates conversations, I can pursue relationships with them, but it won't work. The closest thing I have to a friend up here is the 70 year old couple across the road, and I don't even know their names.
3. I have a stepson (meet Little H). He won't be talked about much on here, that situation is so much more than a blog can handle, and it's not the reason for my blogging. But, if I do mention him in passing, now you know.
TO BE CONTINUED... (when R isn't here and able to read over my shoulder)
There are so many things affecting my life/brain/emotions, that I don't know where to begin. I'm just going to start listing. Maybe in the coming weeks/months I will return to the list and get into the details of individual points. Right now, though, let it be the highlights of what makes me tick.
THE LIST:
1. 24 years old, married 2 1/2 years, together an indeterminable amount of time. We'd known each other since 5th grade (never liked each other in that way, but it was a small school so you knew everybody), started "dating" a year after graduation when he came back from A.rmy Bas.ic Training (he was buff, compared to the rather scrawny guy he was in hs, I had finally started looking like a grown teen instead of an 11 year old). It was mostly physical for quite a while, very off and on for 3 years. He proposed out of the blue, we weren't even "on again" when he proposed. I accepted, a few months later he deployed to S.inai Egy.pt, he came home, we eloped, big wedding 2 months later. We both had amazingly crappy jobs, not a penny to spare for anything other than car insurance and gas to get to work (shared his care, lived with my parents because we couldn't afford rent even). He lucked upon a job 2 hours away, an opportunity that only lasted a split second, and he took it. 8 months later I finally moved with him. A year later we bought our house. We've lived in this house almost 6 months now.
2. I actually hate the town we live in. I gave up all my friends to come here, and this town isn't one that replaces friends well. 18 months here and people still won't look at me in the grocery store. Nobody says hello when they pass you walking in the parking lot. They cling to their own and it takes a decade for an "outsider" to even start breaking in. There is no nightlife, no place for a girl in her 20's to get out and experience life. We went from a college town to an empty one. People look at me out of the corner of their eye, and their looks tell me that I'm not one of them. I can try, I can be the polite one that initiates conversations, I can pursue relationships with them, but it won't work. The closest thing I have to a friend up here is the 70 year old couple across the road, and I don't even know their names.
3. I have a stepson (meet Little H). He won't be talked about much on here, that situation is so much more than a blog can handle, and it's not the reason for my blogging. But, if I do mention him in passing, now you know.
TO BE CONTINUED... (when R isn't here and able to read over my shoulder)
24 February 2007
What a way to start!
After reading blog after blog for months (ok, more closely a year), I've decided I need my own. I need a place to vent and to celebrate, a place all my own. Somewhere I can decorate myself (which I won't end up doing, I'm entirely technology illiterate), somewhere I can turn to when the rest of the world seems too hard to be in, somewhere I can claim as my own and not introduce my real life to. Not that I won't be real, in fact I may be more real here than anywhere else. My husband (introducing the wonderful R) won't know this place, neither will my family and friends. I vent to them individually, with the words and information that I know is best with them. Here I will tell it how it is, without worry of it changing my relationships outside of here. Here I can truly feel safe.
And, now the heartache that caused this to be created: for about 6 months I've been in contact with a girl from high school (meet J). Now, we weren't particularly close- I was the quiet bookworm type, J was popular (she doesn't think so, but she was close with some of the popular kids, which was beyond my realm back then), but she read on my mysp.ace that I'm infertile. It started out just taking longer than she wanted for her to get pregnant, then it turned into 6 months of talking and her still not being pregnant. For 6 months, I was her person. When her husband (another J, but he's not important to the story) didn't want to listen, I did. When her period came, I comforted her. I was her rock at the end of a cycle, and I showered her with hope for the next. Not an easy position to take, considering R and I had been trying for 2 years by that point, but one I assumed on my own.
And it felt good to be the voice of experience (I was a year and a half younger than anybody in my graduating class, by virtue of a fluke jump in grades back in elementary school- I was a flipping genius at age 7, ok not genius, but I was doing algebra for fun), it felt good to be the one that J turned to. People don't look up to me often, they don't see me as anything, it was something I latched onto. I prided myself at knowing J's cycles so I could be prepared with information/hugs/hope/tears/whatever she would need that day. She turned to me.
And then R and I had to stop trying. My endometriosis was wreaking havoc on my body, and the alternating hope/pain was wreaking havoc on my emotions. There was no option to pursue treatment, no savings to use, no insurance coverage for treatment or even consultation with an RE. We had an appointment with an RE all set up, but then we decided to check with the insurance just to make sure and they dropped the bomb- NO.
J offered to find another person, to let me off the hook since I couldn't stay on the path with her. Oh how brave was I, I decided to stay and assured her that I could still be her person. That was 2 1/2 months ago. Things were still great. We messaged back and forth, I helped her get through her sister's baby shower, more ends of cycles for her. Things were perfect: I wasn't pregnant, but neither was she and I made her feel better about it.
And then today happened. Got another message from J. No, she's not pregnant, that I would be excited about because it's what's supposed to happen. She's supposed to not need me anymore because she got pregnant. That I could be happy about.* Nope, she had an appointment with an RE. Not just any RE, but the very same RE that R and I couldn't go see. And she got an appointment within days of her very first call. We scheduled back in December, and the appointment we would have had still isn't here. How's that for a kick in the crotch.
All I could think about was that our RE is going to be getting her pregnant instead of me. Not that I would mind if he did both, but since he can't me then I don't want her (a twist on the old if-I-can't-have-him-nobody-can psychosis). And that's the least of my issues. I won't be her person anymore. She doesn't need me, because she now has somebody infinitely better, somebody with a degree in woman-parts and everything. I want J back, I want her to depend on me. I can't have a fricken kid, is it so much to ask that a grown woman need me? I feel like something was stolen from me. I consoled her, I cheered her on, and now the RE that I have heard nothing but rave reviews of has taken her away. And he hasn't yet, she's still messaging me, but I know he will and I'm pulling away from J out of fear of her hurting me more by leading me on.** My heart aches and it feels like my insides have died. I nurtured her, and she's getting what I can't have. It's not even the baby she will inevitably get, it's the chance to take any step forward. I am stalled, waiting for an act of congress to change my insurance coverage, waiting for money to suddenly appear for us to use to pay for it ourselves, waiting to want children less so that every day doesn't hurt so much. She doesn't have to wait anymore.
So, I feel like the biggest bitch on earth. And I feel like I have every right to be selfish and want this one thing for myself (whether it's wanting to seek further treatment for myself, wanting a baby, wanting the infertility attention for myself instead of her, or just wanting her to still need me... taking bets on which it actually is, my subconcious isn't letting that information out at the moment). So much emotion it's overload. I'm on a birth control pill that actually mellows my moods, scary though, eh?
* never try to understand my logic, it's twisted and will only make your brain hurt*
**more of my crap logic, but that's how I feel so I get to say it**
Here ends my very first blog. Next time I'll be even more confusing as I attempt to describe the hole-I-don't-care-to-crawl-out-of feeling I've been dealing with all week, which led to my near-meltdown over J. It's a doosy.
And, now the heartache that caused this to be created: for about 6 months I've been in contact with a girl from high school (meet J). Now, we weren't particularly close- I was the quiet bookworm type, J was popular (she doesn't think so, but she was close with some of the popular kids, which was beyond my realm back then), but she read on my mysp.ace that I'm infertile. It started out just taking longer than she wanted for her to get pregnant, then it turned into 6 months of talking and her still not being pregnant. For 6 months, I was her person. When her husband (another J, but he's not important to the story) didn't want to listen, I did. When her period came, I comforted her. I was her rock at the end of a cycle, and I showered her with hope for the next. Not an easy position to take, considering R and I had been trying for 2 years by that point, but one I assumed on my own.
And it felt good to be the voice of experience (I was a year and a half younger than anybody in my graduating class, by virtue of a fluke jump in grades back in elementary school- I was a flipping genius at age 7, ok not genius, but I was doing algebra for fun), it felt good to be the one that J turned to. People don't look up to me often, they don't see me as anything, it was something I latched onto. I prided myself at knowing J's cycles so I could be prepared with information/hugs/hope/tears/whatever she would need that day. She turned to me.
And then R and I had to stop trying. My endometriosis was wreaking havoc on my body, and the alternating hope/pain was wreaking havoc on my emotions. There was no option to pursue treatment, no savings to use, no insurance coverage for treatment or even consultation with an RE. We had an appointment with an RE all set up, but then we decided to check with the insurance just to make sure and they dropped the bomb- NO.
J offered to find another person, to let me off the hook since I couldn't stay on the path with her. Oh how brave was I, I decided to stay and assured her that I could still be her person. That was 2 1/2 months ago. Things were still great. We messaged back and forth, I helped her get through her sister's baby shower, more ends of cycles for her. Things were perfect: I wasn't pregnant, but neither was she and I made her feel better about it.
And then today happened. Got another message from J. No, she's not pregnant, that I would be excited about because it's what's supposed to happen. She's supposed to not need me anymore because she got pregnant. That I could be happy about.* Nope, she had an appointment with an RE. Not just any RE, but the very same RE that R and I couldn't go see. And she got an appointment within days of her very first call. We scheduled back in December, and the appointment we would have had still isn't here. How's that for a kick in the crotch.
All I could think about was that our RE is going to be getting her pregnant instead of me. Not that I would mind if he did both, but since he can't me then I don't want her (a twist on the old if-I-can't-have-him-nobody-can psychosis). And that's the least of my issues. I won't be her person anymore. She doesn't need me, because she now has somebody infinitely better, somebody with a degree in woman-parts and everything. I want J back, I want her to depend on me. I can't have a fricken kid, is it so much to ask that a grown woman need me? I feel like something was stolen from me. I consoled her, I cheered her on, and now the RE that I have heard nothing but rave reviews of has taken her away. And he hasn't yet, she's still messaging me, but I know he will and I'm pulling away from J out of fear of her hurting me more by leading me on.** My heart aches and it feels like my insides have died. I nurtured her, and she's getting what I can't have. It's not even the baby she will inevitably get, it's the chance to take any step forward. I am stalled, waiting for an act of congress to change my insurance coverage, waiting for money to suddenly appear for us to use to pay for it ourselves, waiting to want children less so that every day doesn't hurt so much. She doesn't have to wait anymore.
So, I feel like the biggest bitch on earth. And I feel like I have every right to be selfish and want this one thing for myself (whether it's wanting to seek further treatment for myself, wanting a baby, wanting the infertility attention for myself instead of her, or just wanting her to still need me... taking bets on which it actually is, my subconcious isn't letting that information out at the moment). So much emotion it's overload. I'm on a birth control pill that actually mellows my moods, scary though, eh?
* never try to understand my logic, it's twisted and will only make your brain hurt*
**more of my crap logic, but that's how I feel so I get to say it**
Here ends my very first blog. Next time I'll be even more confusing as I attempt to describe the hole-I-don't-care-to-crawl-out-of feeling I've been dealing with all week, which led to my near-meltdown over J. It's a doosy.
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