17 June 2007

Two weeks till counseling

Wow, it's been a long couple weeks. R seems to have smartened up, staying away from my blog, not calling as much, leaving me alone when I ask. It's a step, and the one that was required for me to set a timeline for starting counseling. I will be up there the weekend of the 7th for the airshow, so I'm going up a day or two early and we'll have a couples counseling session. Woohoo, we're making progress.

Shit, I really want to write more, I want to update on things, but I'm exhausted. It's been a few late nights lately, so I just don't have the energy to. I have a new tattoo design picked out, vines and flowers from my ankle all the way up to my shoulder. It's fucking HOT! I can't wait to get it done, I will post pictures of it. Well, off I go, time to relax and shower and get ready for bed early. My love to you all!

04 June 2007

I know you were here

This place is not for you. I created it intending for you to NEVER find and NEVER read. Now that you've been here, it's ruined. Do not come back. If I ever find out you came here again, I will delete the whole thing. You have violated my safe place, you have stolen the comfort I find when I write and the compassion I get from the women that read and comment. You cannot be here. If I lose this place, you lose me, this is your ONLY warning.

Far, far away

In my search for some time to myself, I have fled out of state. Now I'm in Ohio, for a week (got here on Friday, kinda late at night, leaving Thursday afternoon-ish depending on how early in the day I want to brave the heat in my car with the broken a/c). It feels so good to be away from all of the drama. I resolved the issue with Little H (long story, but basically- somebody told him that he couldn't stay at Daddy's house last weekend because he was the reason we were separated and neither of us loved him anymore- the truth being that R had to work and I was coming down here. that sucked, took 2 whole days to get him to even talk to R on the phone to get it straightened out, and then I went into his school before I left to come down here and talk face to face. it's better now), and now I'm free to relax.

Tonight is the start of my best friend's (we'll call him Boy Scout, we met working at B.S. camp about 5 years ago) weekend (he works 4 10-hour shifts a week, off Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday), so it's going to be a late night. The house will be pretty full tonight, though, his wife has a friend here too. Tomorrow the wife is leaving to take her friend home, so it'll just be me, Boy Scout, and their housemate. I expect lots of crying out of me, and hopefully some sort of epiphany about what I want. Same goes for Wednesday night, except the wife will be back and wanting Boy Scout's attention all on her (which is understandable, she is the wife, but I'm selfishly glad that she will be gone tomorrow night and I can have his shoulder to cry on without her butting in). That makes me sound like a bitch, but Boy Scout and I have always confided everything in each other, and we can always make each other feel better about situations. I need my time with him, because I know that he knows exactly what to say and how to make me talk without pushing, a few hours of talking to him is guaranteed to make me feel better. And since he's almost like a brother to me, there's not even the slightest possibility of dumb flirtation to distract from it. He knows there's something wrong, he knows every detail of my personality and can pinpoint everything that is off about me right now. Sometimes I think we must be plutonic soulmates, we just fit so well together as friends.

In other news, R is now wearing a pomegranate-colored string on his right wrist. He googled infertility, apparently in his desire to understand what I went through for so long, and stumbled upon the Sti.rrup Que.ens blog. Read all about the Common Thread Project, became suddenly proud of my rather miniscule contribution, and is now wearing a bracelet. The only problem is- it's too late. Not that I will never want children, just that right now I don't feel any desire towards it. This is a weird feeling for me, I've always felt the need for children, I don't know how to act without it. I can walk past pregnant women and have my heart stay in place, I can see newborns and not start to cry, I can play with a toddler and not ache to hold him/her forever. Not sure I like this feeling, but I'm learning to accept it as a new part of myself.

What do we do when we lose that urge? Am I the only one? Does it come back? Is my desire for motherhood broken forever? Will it feel the same to have a baby after I've gone through this period of indifference? All these questions, and I'm still trying to answer the most important one- do I want to try one more time with R, or have I lost that urge to fight for us?