Another whole week?!

It seems as though my readers are getting just as anxious as I am about my photos. OK, there is no way any of you could be as anxious as I am, but I have been getting comments about them. Here's the update: The photographer (hmmm, he needs a name, how about NotPorn) is still working on touching them up just a bit and going through to find the best ones. I talked to him last night, and he promised to get my disc in the mail by the end of the week. I thought he had sent them sometime last week, but he does have a real job and that takes priority. And I will be showing them to R. He's not getting the disc, but I will let him view them on my laptop. It's a compromise and allows me some feeling of control (and a tiny bit of revenge, but only a tiny bit). NotPorn said he was very happy with the results. He says I photograph very well under harsh lighting (remember, he is artsy, he likes that kind of stuff) and won't stop talking about me coming down for another shoot. He's come up with a whole bunch of ideas for location and lighting, probably an all-day shoot instead of just the evening we did last time.

I am more nervous to see the pictures he's already done than I am to do a second shoot, more nervous than I was even at the very beginning of the first shoot. Weird how I can be so comfortable walking around naked, but not about seeing what I look like later. I think it has something to do with his vision, his idea, his fantasy of the perfect female body. I mean, he had it all worked out in his head, how I should sit/lay, where the lighting and shadows should fall. I put myself into his dream world and I don't know if I lived up to his or my expectations (or if his dream world is something I will find flattering). I know I lived up to his expectations or else he wouldn't be happy with the photos and he wouldn't be asking me to pose again, but I don't know if I can see myself as the art he sees. Women are so self-concious. If I was a guy, I'd have been swinging my dick around, happy to let it free and happy with my body. But I'm a girl, so I can't stop wondering if I missed a spot on the back of my knee when I shaved or if my hair looked stupid or if that chip in my nailpolish (that I got less than an hour before the shoot and didn't have the polish with me to fix) is visible. I'm so detail-oriented (read: anal about even minute details) that I know I won't be happy until I see my pictures.

Giving up control is so hard. You'd think I would have figured out how by now. Several doctors and nurses, surgeon, labs, insurance company- they all have control over my fertility, I had no choice but to hand it over to them and hope for the best. But even in those situations, I did have a measure of control. It was my choice to do lap, it was my choice to demand blood tests by my new gyn (moved even before the lap with old gyn, so I wasn't making the 3 hour drive to give up a couple vials of blood), it was my choice to go back on birth control for a while until R and I are ready to pay out our asses for the next step. I've never given up control like this. Some guy I barely know is sitting in front of his brand new laptop deciding which nude pictures of me are worth sharing and which ones suck too much to even send to me. A bad drivers license photo I can keep to myself unless absolutely necessary, but some guy is downstate judging nude photographs of me. It's almost too much to handle, I don't even want to think about it.

And now an old friend (ok, not so old since I only graduated college 4 1/2 years ago and we actually hung out quite a bit for the first year after college- we went to different schools, but he went to the one in my old hometown and graduated a year after me- go super senior, I think it took him 6 years to get his degree) and I have been talking and I told him about it. He moved to Cali and started his own photography studio (headshots for "actresses" and such) a few years ago, but is back in Michi.gan. So, the happy photographer (we'll call this one Pike) starts rattling off his own ideas for me. Something about outside at night (which requires a full-moon and no clouds) and a few other things. Seems like my naked body is in high demand these days. I haven't said anything to R about Pike, mostly because I don't know what I think about it. Stripping down and posing for a guy I know only as a photographer is one thing, but I've known Pike for quite a while and that makes it feel different. It gives it the possibility of being awkward. And a girl can only juggle so many photographers without getting overwhelmed.

Any insight, readers? Should I stay faithful to NotPorn, or see what Pike has to offer on the side? It could be interesting to see myself in two different sets of eyes, it could be even more nerve-wracking.