Now that it's morning, what happens next?

So far, nothing else has been figured out. Little H is supposed to come up for his spring break next week, a whole week. His mom offered us the whole week, no fights, no begging by R, none of the usual drama. That's supposed to be celebrated like a miracle, but instead we're trying to figure out how/if. I'd have to be here, R works and we don't have a babysitter or even anybody to watch him if I can't. So, do I stay so Little H can have a week with his dad, a week they have both been wanting for a while? Or do we take that away from Little H and I start moving immediately? His mother finally started accepting me, before she would have never let us have Little H during the week because she didn't want him left with me while R was at work. We finally had some positive progress, and now it's worthless. R was building a real relationship with Little H (which is hard to do in 4 days a month, especially since they didn't have the chance to build any relationship when Little H was a baby), but it took a lot of encouragement from me. A lot of extra effort on my part to make sure Little H got up here for his weekend visitations (which would have been cut short by a day if R had to go pick him up because there wasn't enough time for the long drive down and back after R got out of work), I encouraged playtime and board games instead of just video games, I made sure we all sat down for dinner together and spent that time talking. One of my biggest fears is that R won't be able to build on that relationship without my help, that he won't be able to be a single parent on his weekends and that their relationship will slowly fail.

I'm not worried about moving out, not really. I have a room at my parents' house, they will welcome me home. I will find a job in the town my mom works in, we'll carpool most days. The rest I don't know. What will I do on weekends? Will I go out a night or two a week and hang out with my old friends? Will I start looking for somebody new? And when I do (which will probably be a while), how will that work with all the new criteria I have for a husband- like amazing medical insurance that will cover IVF, desire to have kids soon, and somehow the ability to make me happy I'm not with R anymore. Because eventually I have to be happy that I'm divorced. Eventually I have to not wish things were different and I will have to be glad I'm out of this marriage so that some other relationship will work. If I spend the rest of my life loving R and remembering everything that was good, there is no way I could get past him and even try to find something better.

Divorce is never easy, but it is so much harder when you still love the other person with everything you are, and know that they love you back. I can't change the person I am to stay with R, and he can't change either, neither of us want to and neither want the other to. So, here we are, two people who don't know how to not love each other, completely incompatable, wishing that everything were different.