Think back however long I've been blogging (it hasn't been that long, I just don't care to check and see how long), remember my very first post, the one about J? Well, she just had her HSG. And it didn't go well. Both tubes are something not open (I don't know if they are too narrow or blocked or whatever, she didn't hear much of the initial report due to her crying). My heart goes out for her more than I can say. And it feels a whole lot of guilt.
She started out as that annoying girl that gets "worried" when it hasn't happened in the first 2 months. And then it was 6, and then more. And then she had an appointment with the RE. I was so jealous and hated that she was getting further than I had, that I had been trying for almost 2 years when she started and I had no hope of getting to an RE. I did what I had promised myself I would never do- I rated our infertility. I thought I was more infertile than her because I had been through more, that I was a better infertile because I had researched all the REs in the state and success rates and patient experiences, and because I kept hope that whole first year (sometimes I was a little nervous, but I had hope, refused to chart until 10 months TTC because I "knew" everything was normal, I recently reread my journals from back then and I was surprised at how much hope I had, I had forgotten that it was even possible to feel hope when TTC). I never said anything about that, and I spewed forth my knowledge for her. I listened when she cried, I felt her heart break in the emails she sent me, and I did/said everything that had helped me through failed cycles.
And now that I know she "really is infertile," I feel like crap. I feel so guilty that I ever felt those other things, even though I kept them inside. I feel guilty that I judged her infertility or was frustrated with her emotional breakdown in month 5. Because hindsight shows me that she was justified in her feelings. I had been so bombarded with fertility all around me that I hadn't accepted the possibility that she was one of us. And I kept that admission of possibility out of my mind because I didn't want to feel the hurt if she wasn't one of us, if she magically got pg on month 6 or 10. I didn't want to pour out my heart and feel that empathy towards her, just to get a message a month down the road saying "ooops, I guess I'm not infertile, it just took me a little longer than I wanted to get pg, sorry you can't be as lucky as me." I know she would never say anything like that, but dammit, that's what I would hear.
It wasn't all judging and frustration. I truly did feel for her, I wanted to help her and comfort her and show her the way. I wanted to be someone she could turn to, the person I didn't really have when I had just started out. I would have driven 3 hours (one way) to take her to her HSG. I would answer my phone in the middle of the night and just listen while she cried and screamed and asked God why. Her IUI got cancelled, but I've had the dates written in my calendar for weeks, and the HSG she just had, too. I mentally kept track of the days she was taking clom.id and when her AF would come (so I could check my mail twice as often that day and not miss any messages she sent while upset). I invested as much of myself as I could while still trying to protect myself in case she got what I couldn't have. But I feel guilty that I didn't invest enough. I didn't take that leap of faith and stand behind her 100% in her journey.
I'm sorry J, I will be whatever you need now, I'm sorry if I wasn't that before.
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2 comments:
Give yourself more credit - it sounds like you still did all you could for her, even if secretly harboring doubts about her infertility. And now that you know the truth, you have someone who you can relate with and share fears and knowledge with. It really does help to have others who are going through similar things.
I don't think it's too late for anything. Because I may be a bitch for the things I felt inside, but none of those emotions or thoughts were let out. I was never a bitch to her, I thought those things on my own time and inside my head. And in defending myself to "anonymous" (way to stand behind your thoughts and give any sort of name), I realize 100% that pcosmama is right. I did support her and never let my doubts effect our relationship.
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