16 March 2010

April 2008 to March 2010...

June 2008 my marriage officially ended. It was past time, believe me. I hated him, he sure didn't seem to like me at all anymore, the only thing that held me there was the intense desire to not lose Little H- the only child I would ever have. Even Little H wasn't enough to combat being yelled at and called names constantly.

Turns out R is bipolar, the version with rage and jealousy and paranoia. Nope, he couldn't be the hyper kind, his manic episodes were mean ones. I kind of thought that was the case, but he refused to get any help at all until his new girlfriend (she moved in 3 weeks after I left) said something. He's been through 3 live-in girlfriends since then, one of whom was girlfriend #1's sister... The current girl is also a temporary one- she is awaiting her sentencing on federal drug trafficking charges and within a month will likely be "leaving" for 6-12 months. He's going to wait for her, he has never felt this way about anybody before, etc.

I have been dating a wonderful man for 15 months now. We worked together until just a couple weeks ago. Everybody says they don't know how we could stand working together all day and then spending the rest of the day together, too. It worked for us, like really well worked for us. At work we were completely professional, and then we'd be home and could relax and enjoy each other. We both actually miss being together 24 hours a day. With me no longer working there, we only see each other 2 nights a week (can't waste all of my savings driving 20 miles each way to see him, gotta find a new job first), and we are both miserable. He is currently living in an apartment where the rent is "per person," so moving in together is not possible until he moves. Which will probably be happening sometime this year. He has been looking more and more for a house to buy, and has made it obvious that the house is for me as well.

Commitment is scary, it has gone so wrong for me in the past. I'm afraid to feel this in-love again, I don't want to feel like I'm floating when he looks at me, I get a little nervous when my heart wants to scream the "L" word... He is even more afraid of commitment than I am. And here we are, stumbling through it together, indulging in every moment we can spend in each others arms, talking about the future (including the extreme future) as if it's a given, committing to each other so extremely- as long as there are no labels...

I am in love- a love that I could have never defined before now, so different from what I thought love was when I married R- solid, heavy, honest, scary. I thought love was floating, I thought it meant sparkles and bubbles and sugar and dancing on air. I never thought love could mean sweating like never before while watching a softball tournament or not having to say a word for hours or just contentment. When I am with him, there is nowhere else I would ever want to be. I don't dream of romantic dates or escaping to a tropical island, I just want him. I can live without him, as long as that only means my twice a month girls night out, and his weekly boys night playing video games. I can be with him 24 hours a day and not want him to leave my side. I almost didn't know I was in love, but I think that's because I'm not in love. I just love him, and that is a huge difference. There are no illusions, no games, no secrets. We are completely ourselves and there is love.

1 comment:

Jericho said...

Glad for the update...and that you're moving on. Keep your chin up---and POST MORE OFTEN!!