15 April 2010

Not much to say, but I'll write anyway

So, it's been a month since I last wrote. Still no job, still no major progress on my boyfriend's house hunt, no contact with Little H in the past month either. I guess there is some moving forward, though. Tomorrow is my nephew's first birthday.

Boog (the nephew) spends one day a week with me. It started as time with his daddy (my brother), but Daddy got a full-time job so Auntie Roy became daycare. He was a terror today! Spitting food, screaming, biting, repeatedly doing the exact same thing he's been told "no" about a million times before. Throwing toys out the window, grabbing my glasses, slamming his toy train against the ferret cage... Out came the pack-n-play and he got put in jail. Which made him laugh. He doesn't even understand punishment!!! Makes Auntie Roy even more frustrated. Last month he was cutting a molar, so he spent all day in my lap, hugging me, silent, content to just sit there and play with my fingers. Can I have my Cuddle Boog back? I don't mind returning the Devil Boog I accidentally got today.

Yep, 1 day a week is enough parenting for me. Even on the cute days I don't mind sending him back to his mother. I am still amazed by how I feel about having children of my own. I know I would love having a child, I get a little jealous when everybody around me is pregnant (which has been the case for the past year straight, including one who just found out so I'll be hearing about her for another 7 months), and my boyfriend would make an incredible father. But I also know that I don't like waking up in the middle of the night, changing diapers every hour or two gets to be exhausting, I like my boobs exactly the way they are, and I don't want to change my favorite sexual positions to accommodate a growing belly. I like making plans for myself, not trying to squeeze in what I want to do around nap times and play dates. And I definitely like having my man to myself.

I never thought I was the type that would be this selfish. I want what I want and I don't want a baby to demand things from me. Or is it simpler than that: I can't have a baby so I'm going to brainwash myself into believing that I don't want one anyway... I'm thinking I don't want to know which it is, I would rather feel relief knowing that there is some reason why I'm content without children than feel guilt that I'm either selfish or mental enough to brainwash myself.

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