Dr. Seu.ss took my nudie pics

Another crazy dream post. I try to think of IF-related topics, but magically I am actually handling this break so well that I have started to think of things other than babies. I'm not so sure I like that, but it does piss off R a bit less this way. Although, he's so distracted by all the graphics work he's doing for the air show that we couldn't make a baby right now even if my body worked properly. I'm rarely able to stay awake long enough for us to even go to bed at the same time. He tells me every night that he wants to "go to bed early," oooh what a turn on that is. I finally told him that his stupid comment is not foreplay and that he'd better learn what is if he ever wants to do something other than sleep in our bed.

*****skip next 2 paragraphs if you don't want to hear about my sex life*****

He greatly took advantage of TTC, let me tell you. Because I would have sex during O time no matter what. So tired I sleep through it? Sure, R, have fun. Back spasms from my firefighting injury? Stick a pillow there and pretend it's a new position. So dry down there it's dusty? Squirt in some fake moisture and let's get going. 2 1/2 years with the guarantee of sex every other day for a week (sometimes 2 just to make sure we got the day right) really made R lazy. As far as he's concerned, the goal is still to make sure he gets some sperm in there. Wifey's enjoyment is not the top of his priority list, most of the time it's not on R's list at all.

It was not always this way. We used to spend hours every night doing all the stuff that feels good. Sex lasted so long, I always had multiples and we'd exhaust ourselves before falling asleep. Now, I rush myself to get one before he's spent. There's no foreplay, no kissing, no touching, nothing. He says he doesn't know where/how to touch me, but for the first 4 years of our relationship he knew it all by instict. He could make my knees shake with a tiny kiss in just the right spot. He forgot all of it when he was deployed before the wedding, and he's never made any attempt to remember. He used to be the best lover I'd ever had, but the man he is now ranks pretty close to the bottom. How do you tell a guy that without bruising his ego and making his nuts shrivel up into raisins at the shame?

*****ok, now I'll talk about the title*****

Another crazy dream last night. This time it focused on that infamous photo shoot. You all know the one, I've been babbling about it for weeks (a majority of that time freaking out about when I'll get my pics and see how it all turned out). Anyway, in my dream I finally got a book of photos. -cue bouncy child-like background music and singing/dancing Seu.ss creatures- Yep, there were actual singing and dancing creatures all around me, to go with the illustrated (and narrated -cue voice-over narrator-) book of nude photos. I only got about halfway through it, I was in shock. -Blink- And now I'm awakening (still in my dream) and slightly freaking out that R may have watched the video while I was asleep (video? oh, yeah, because in this part of the dream it's a video instead, -die bouncy music-). I put it in the VCR (hmmm, technology has not caught up with this dream, or maybe it's also about our horrible luck with DVD players, which always die within 3 months) and push play. There's some dorky stuff, NotPorn and I sitting around talking, some really crappy ghetto dancing (on my part mostly), etc. And then that dream pretty much ended. So I still haven't seen my pics, not even in my dreams.

I'm sure none of you will believe me, but I hadn't had vivid dreams like this in quite a while, almost no dreams that I remembered for almost a year and none this vivid since way before then. Basically since about 6 months into TTC. The dreams started off just being vivid, then progressed in intensity until I was getting so little rest at night that I could barely stay awake 3-4 hours at a time without a nap (it is hard napping 4 times a day, really cuts out a lot of stuff you could do). It all ended when I finally talked to Elvis and got some nice pills. I was TTC, so most sleeping meds were not allowed (and the problem wasn't sleeping, it was the intensity of my brain while I was trying to sleep), so we settled and compromised and decided on diaz.epam (that's Va.lium for those not "in the know"). I took it nightly for a week, then only on days I felt unsettled and unable to relax before bed (because those would be the nights the dreams were the worst). Within a month, I was only taking my pills 2-3 times a month, then I wasn't taking them at all anymore. It just took a couple weeks of decent sleep to get my brain back on track and let my life get back to normal. I'm starting to get more and more tired during the day, so I think it's about time for a booster of meds before I get as bad as I was before. Then maybe I'll be able to think better and make this an IF blog like it was intended.