......the most insensitive jackass to ever aspire to be a youth pastor. Yesterday we sat down to talk things out, to see if there was any way to work things out and stay together. He asked me for ideas, then decided he didn't care because he can never forgive me for the pictures (which he encouraged until 2 days before I went for the photo shoot, and was beyond excited about afterwards). Then he cried and wanted to know what it would take, then he demanded that I feel guilty for taking the pictures (which I don't, because it was an amazing experience and I really like the end result) or else it was over. And then he went to praise and worship and asked me to pray while he was gone (because God would obviously come down and slap us in the face with an answer).
I did pray, I did search my heart for answers. The answer I found was: free will. God gave it to us (not any of His other creations, just us), it is ours to use and make our lives what we will. (side note: R doesn't see free will that way, as far as he's concerned the only free will we have is to choose God or not, the rest is completely planned out for us) He didn't like my answer, instead he looked up scripture and definitions so he could prove to me that taking the pictures was adultery (because somebody, somewhere, at some point in time, might possibly be aroused by it which makes it adultery, even though the intention was art). I yelled at him, he told me to make a list of who gets what. I made the list, he started crying and begging me to try to work things out with him. Then he decided to try to count how many times the word wife is in the bible, not sure why. Best part: he preached to me about the story of Job and how it's exactly like infertility. If anybody else can find the connection, please tell me what it is, because when I asked him to he just repeated the story of Job over and over again like the connection should be obvious.
Eventually, I screamed at him, in my loudest voice I told him how I pray constantly throughout the day and don't have to be in a church to feel like I have a relationship with God. Somehow that got through his head, we started talking again. I told him that I felt like he had not only put God first in his life, but actually made God the only thing that mattered and kicked me out completely. Epiphany for him, oh yeah, he had been ignoring his wife for 6 months (except for the crappiest sex of her life), never talking to her except to tell her how her life was not Christ-like. So, things felt good. I even slept in our bed with him last night, his arm around me to make me feel better.
This morning comes. A friend from out of town might be coming down this weekend to take me out for lunch one day. His computer is having issues, I tell him that R might be able to help him and that if he can't get it fixed up there to bring it with him when he comes down. I call R at work to tell him and make sure it's OK. R tells me he has doubts, that he didn't get any sleep because he still doesn't know if he wants to stay together. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?! Last night he cried, he begged me to forgive him for ignoring me, he asked me a dozen times if we could just have one more chance, he held me and pet my hair while I cried myself to sleep. And the whole time he had doubts.
I was coping, I was accepting that our marriage was over, I was planning how to start my life over. And he begged me to stay in our marriage because he couldn't live without me. I had to un-cope, I had to un-accept divorce, I had to un-plan my new life. And now I find out he faked the whole thing. He didn't think anything through, he just spit out whatever came to mind and to hell with actually meaning it. I'm sure he meant it while he was saying it, but not deep inside.
I can't bounce back and forth a dozen times a day, I can't devote my energy and emotions to one and then the other, based on his whims. But what do I do until he decides? If I move out, he'll just say that I decided for him so that he doesn't have to admit any sort of reality to himself. If I stay, I'm subjected to his frantic decision swings. Both options suck! I don't know anybody in this wretched town, so it's not like I could stay with a friend for just one night or anything like that. If I go anywhere it's 2 hours away and the only way we could talk would be on the phone.
Why can't he just tell me the fucking truth? Tell me how he really feels instead of hiding behind scripture? Sometimes I think he uses God to not have to face reality. He doesn't have to make any decisions if he can get God to make them for him. He manipulates scripture (or just invents entirely new meaning for it) to fit his desires. He won't say that he doesn't enjoy alcohol anymore, instead he finds one tiny bit of scripture about it and quotes it constantly, like it's his new mantra. And if I have a drink with a friend to celebrate her birthday and the fact that she's even in the state for the first time in 3 months, out comes the scripture again and I get berated about how I went against God. Just fucking tell me that you don't want to drink anymore! Just fucking admit that you ONLY equate drinking with the way you used to drink (read: get drunk and sleep around) and think I'm going to go whore around if I get tipsy. It doesn't matter that it's never happened, he used to be a drunk man-whore and he thinks that's the only thing that can happen when people drink. Oh, you're jealous that somebody else (an artist, a fucking artist, not somebody that is trying to get in my pants, just a fucking artist) will see me naked. How about telling me that you're a jealous prick and don't want me to do something that I really, really, really want to do? Nope, find a way to "prove" that I commited adultery instead.
I'M AN ADULTEROUS WHORE! But, I'm happy with my life and don't need to defend myself to anybody. And I admit it, I say it clearly and don't try to hide behind anything. I have never hidden who I am or pretended to be anything else. I'm quiet and reserved sometimes. Sometimes I'm goofy and eccentric. Every once in a while I'm loud and overly-energetic. But I don't hide myself. I don't sulk in the corner when I'm feeling bouncy, I don't force myself to be the center of attention when I want to chill out by myself. I am always true to myself. I don't hold some book in front of me and justify myself through it. I don't hide from reality by throwing out scripture instead of original thoughts and feelings.
Just wake up from your fucking nap and make a choice! You can decide to put an effort into our marriage and accept me for who I am (the same person I have been for years, I'm not the one that suddenly changed and demanded everybody else to do the same). Or you can decide that honesty and acceptance is too much to handle, that it's harder than hiding behind a bible, and I go. I won't stand by and tolerate both. I won't stay just to be berated and belittled by things you don't even understand, by thoughts and arguements that are not your own. Choose, R, because if you wait much longer I will choose for you. I can't force you to change, but I can choose to not subject myself to your attacks and criticism if that's how you continue. My faith and relationship with God are my own, you have no right to tell me I'm wrong or judge them. If you can't accept that, I go. Decide quick, R, I don't do limbo.
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2 comments:
This is such a raw entry, Roy. It's true--the indecision, the up-and-down, the switching gears is the worst. Who can live teetering on the edge day after day? Sending a big hug your way.
Wow, ounds like you've got a rough road ahead no matter which way it leads. I hope that the path you choose leads to happiness in the end. Marriage can be difficult, but when there is more sadness and anger than happiness and joy, it may be time to end it. But it's definitely not an easy decision and I don't envy you having to make it. The only assvice I have is this: be true to yourself no matter what, and don't let Little H get caught in the middle if he comes to visit.
Maybe Little H visiting could be a good thing - you and R could take that time to think everything over, no fighting; maybe even write each other a list of things you love about each other and things that must be changed to remain together. Then, after Little H goes home, you can sit down and try to discuss things.
Good luck!
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