How about actually writing about infertility?

The reason I came here was so I could talk about IF as much as I wanted without R trying to console me (he says ALL of the wrong things, repeatedly, no matter how much I try to get him to understand that him even thinking the word "God" makes me want to stab through the roof of his mouth and pull out his brains with the sketti-getter *side note: is there an actual name for that prongy ladle/scoop thing intended for dishing out spaghetti? inquiring minds want to know, and R would then stop mocking me for calling it a sketti-getter*). This is my place, the safe zone in life's game of tag. I was thinking that maybe I should get around to using it as such.

Timeline:
July 2004: elope, begin TTC immediately
Sept 2004: actual wedding ceremony as planned, dammit 2 months and still not pg
March 2005: beg Elvis to start testing, suspected endometriosis all along, no go since it hadn't been 12 months
July 2005: BFP on anniversary of TTC
July 2005: 10 days later +urine test in Elvis' office, - beta, no baby
July 2005: Elvis obviously in pain over my loss (he loves me, I love him, too, he is the standard by which all dr's are now measured), refers me to gyn (Dr. T)
Dec 2005: after a couple visits, time for lap/hyst/hsg
results: level 4 endo, one ovary yanked out of position and down/behind uterus, minor bladder inclusion, nothing on tubes or ute, hsg inconclusive, ute totally normal, ovulating at time of surgery (Dr. T showed R pics of my ready-to-burst follicle, he was very proud of my ovary)
Jan 2006: repeat HSG- all clear after possibly pushing a tiny bit of blockage out of right tube
May-Sept 2006: new gyn (we aren't naming him, I hate him, he's fired) tests all hormone levels, everything normal, says he can't do anything else at all for me, refers to RE (now to be named: Dr-my-insurance-company-won't-let-me-see *DMICWLMS*), the MICWLMS info is discovered
Dec 2006: OPK as HPT + later HPT barely visible +, faded fast, beta 2 days later -
Dec 2006: we quit, no more, endo is back and trying to kill me, I can't handle it right now, lots of crying, decided to go on birth control for a year and reassess situation then

So, that's where I am now. Lots of fights, lots of crying, lots of me hating just about everything. I hate the situation, I hate every little thing about it, but I've learned to accept it. I tolerated the endo all along, I knew it might make things difficult, I was willing to try for a year, but 2 1/2 years and not even one pregnancy lasting long enough for the dr to confirm. I've never seen a truly positive HPT, just faint ones. I've never heard my dr say "congrats, you're pregnant, let's schedule an u/s." R doesn't mind, he's never felt an desire or need to have children (he supports my desire, and would love to have more than just Little H, but he feels like his life is complete either way). I feel useless and empty.

I need a house full of noise, constant chaos to supervise. I need little eyes to stare at me as they slowly close for sleep. I need the smell of baby powder, and little toy boats in my bathtub. I need to pinch a little butt as it runs past, excited to learn how to take off his/her own diaper. I need to sew up favorite stuffed animals that rip. And I need to kiss booboos. I need to hold a tiny bundle of screams until he/she is comforted. I need to do laundry in the middle of the night after a diaper blowout. I need the bad and the good, not just dreams about them. I need to kiss a little head with my pride at learning how to write his/her name. I need to rush to school in the middle of the day to pick up a sick child. I need to have a 5 year old always in my way while I do dishes because he/she wants to help. I need to pick up sharp little toys from the floor, and read the same book 3 times every day. I need to have a movie collection dominated by Disney, and a thousand magnets on my refrigerator to play with. I need to clean up a spilled cereal bowl, and refuse to let him/her leave the dinner table until all the vegetables are eaten. I need to replant the same flower bulb 4 times because he/she keeps digging them back up. I need to grab a hand and pull it away before he/she eats the ladybug that landed on it. I need to teach my children that respect and love are not the same thing, but that they need both in their lives. I need to help with math homework, even if it means reading the whole book first to remember how to do the problem. I need to comb hair for the first day of school, and get kicked out of his/her bedroom while they do it themself for prom. I need to have the uncomfortable talk at age 4 "where do babies come from" and the even more uncomfortable talk at age 15 "I know you're thinking about it and I can't stop you, but please wait and always be responsible about it." How can any life feel complete without all that?

10 more months before we even talk about it being a possibility again. 10 more months. I'm in hell. But if R isn't ready, if he isn't going to be behind me 100%, then it wouldn't happen anyway. So I wait.