What a way to start!

After reading blog after blog for months (ok, more closely a year), I've decided I need my own. I need a place to vent and to celebrate, a place all my own. Somewhere I can decorate myself (which I won't end up doing, I'm entirely technology illiterate), somewhere I can turn to when the rest of the world seems too hard to be in, somewhere I can claim as my own and not introduce my real life to. Not that I won't be real, in fact I may be more real here than anywhere else. My husband (introducing the wonderful R) won't know this place, neither will my family and friends. I vent to them individually, with the words and information that I know is best with them. Here I will tell it how it is, without worry of it changing my relationships outside of here. Here I can truly feel safe.

And, now the heartache that caused this to be created: for about 6 months I've been in contact with a girl from high school (meet J). Now, we weren't particularly close- I was the quiet bookworm type, J was popular (she doesn't think so, but she was close with some of the popular kids, which was beyond my realm back then), but she read on my mysp.ace that I'm infertile. It started out just taking longer than she wanted for her to get pregnant, then it turned into 6 months of talking and her still not being pregnant. For 6 months, I was her person. When her husband (another J, but he's not important to the story) didn't want to listen, I did. When her period came, I comforted her. I was her rock at the end of a cycle, and I showered her with hope for the next. Not an easy position to take, considering R and I had been trying for 2 years by that point, but one I assumed on my own.

And it felt good to be the voice of experience (I was a year and a half younger than anybody in my graduating class, by virtue of a fluke jump in grades back in elementary school- I was a flipping genius at age 7, ok not genius, but I was doing algebra for fun), it felt good to be the one that J turned to. People don't look up to me often, they don't see me as anything, it was something I latched onto. I prided myself at knowing J's cycles so I could be prepared with information/hugs/hope/tears/whatever she would need that day. She turned to me.

And then R and I had to stop trying. My endometriosis was wreaking havoc on my body, and the alternating hope/pain was wreaking havoc on my emotions. There was no option to pursue treatment, no savings to use, no insurance coverage for treatment or even consultation with an RE. We had an appointment with an RE all set up, but then we decided to check with the insurance just to make sure and they dropped the bomb- NO.

J offered to find another person, to let me off the hook since I couldn't stay on the path with her. Oh how brave was I, I decided to stay and assured her that I could still be her person. That was 2 1/2 months ago. Things were still great. We messaged back and forth, I helped her get through her sister's baby shower, more ends of cycles for her. Things were perfect: I wasn't pregnant, but neither was she and I made her feel better about it.

And then today happened. Got another message from J. No, she's not pregnant, that I would be excited about because it's what's supposed to happen. She's supposed to not need me anymore because she got pregnant. That I could be happy about.* Nope, she had an appointment with an RE. Not just any RE, but the very same RE that R and I couldn't go see. And she got an appointment within days of her very first call. We scheduled back in December, and the appointment we would have had still isn't here. How's that for a kick in the crotch.

All I could think about was that our RE is going to be getting her pregnant instead of me. Not that I would mind if he did both, but since he can't me then I don't want her (a twist on the old if-I-can't-have-him-nobody-can psychosis). And that's the least of my issues. I won't be her person anymore. She doesn't need me, because she now has somebody infinitely better, somebody with a degree in woman-parts and everything. I want J back, I want her to depend on me. I can't have a fricken kid, is it so much to ask that a grown woman need me? I feel like something was stolen from me. I consoled her, I cheered her on, and now the RE that I have heard nothing but rave reviews of has taken her away. And he hasn't yet, she's still messaging me, but I know he will and I'm pulling away from J out of fear of her hurting me more by leading me on.** My heart aches and it feels like my insides have died. I nurtured her, and she's getting what I can't have. It's not even the baby she will inevitably get, it's the chance to take any step forward. I am stalled, waiting for an act of congress to change my insurance coverage, waiting for money to suddenly appear for us to use to pay for it ourselves, waiting to want children less so that every day doesn't hurt so much. She doesn't have to wait anymore.

So, I feel like the biggest bitch on earth. And I feel like I have every right to be selfish and want this one thing for myself (whether it's wanting to seek further treatment for myself, wanting a baby, wanting the infertility attention for myself instead of her, or just wanting her to still need me... taking bets on which it actually is, my subconcious isn't letting that information out at the moment). So much emotion it's overload. I'm on a birth control pill that actually mellows my moods, scary though, eh?

* never try to understand my logic, it's twisted and will only make your brain hurt*
**more of my crap logic, but that's how I feel so I get to say it**

Here ends my very first blog. Next time I'll be even more confusing as I attempt to describe the hole-I-don't-care-to-crawl-out-of feeling I've been dealing with all week, which led to my near-meltdown over J. It's a doosy.